Mortuary (2005)

Here's the first flick for our themed reviews honoring director Tobe Hooper. I'll be honest with you guys, I'm not quite sure where to start with this one. Why, you ask? Well, this movie has basically every single horror subject crammed into it. First, we have the good, poor family that in hopes of overcoming the loss of its fatherly figure, move all the way across the country to an opportunity to start all over again. The family is formed by mum Leslie Doyle, teenager son Jonathan & his little sister Jamie. They all move into the beautiful Fowler Mortuary house which is oh-so adequatedly placed in the middle of the town's graveyard.

Seriously, who takes such a crappy deal for a new start?

Ok, so far we can check off our lists spooky house and graveyard, and also add to that dead people 'cause, well, it's a mortuary. As it is expected, the house has a creepy story behind it. The Fowler's had some tough luck trying to make a living off of cows & agriculture when they first moved into the area because for some reason, nothing would grow on those god-forsaken grounds. Luckily for them, the all around deadness of the place gave them the idea of turning into morticians. Years go by until the last of the Fowlers give birth to a horribly deformed baby boy, Bobby, who gets beat & abused by his own angry parents. The story seems to end with the kid running away from home, but several years later, the remaining Fowlers are found with their "heads bashed in" in their good ol' home. Let's check angry, deformed killer with a history of abuse now.

Making a small parethesis to the storyline, I've got to admit that the Fowler Mortuary house is quite damn awesome. Everything is so gray, decayed and old that you can almost smell the dust and feel the dampness of the place in your bones. Sadly for the Doyle's, the casket room is the warmest, coziest part of the house.

Another thing I found enjoyable was the fact that this movie had some early nineties horror film sort of feeling every now and then. We have cheesy musical score, awkward incidental characters that are just too obvious with their awkwardness, graveyard partying, cheesy 2D special effects (which I found beautiful until I saw the ending scene)... even the usual bunch of asshole, rebel kids!

Yes, that is Alfalfa from 1994's The Little Rascals movie.

Now we know who dies first. At this point, one's just expecting the common crazed-killer storyline, but that is so wrong. We get punched right in the face with another 90's-like scene involving dead kids coming back to life and projectile vomiting.

The first bit brought a little bit of joy in my heart by reminding me of Pet Sematary II. I got to admit that after this point in the movie, I had no idea where to go in order keep reviewing it. A lot of shit happens. We're able to immediately check off our list dozens of other horror film subjects minute after minute. Bodies rise, ancient evil feeds, people turn into tools of evil... I'd rather let you be surprised by the crammyness of everything happening at the same time.

Nothing says fear like an old dead man in a giant diaper.

...and I guess that coffin room wasn't that cozy after all.

What to expect?

Medium-paced storytelling about nothing turning into a whole lot of everything, cheesy two-dimensional special effects, a small peek of what happens when you don't exactly know how to embalm a dead body & a very terrible finale. Oh, and by the way, never underestimate the power of cherry Twizzlers...

Hellnation's Rating: 3/10