Toolbox Murders (2004)

Keeping up with Tobe Hooper themed reviews, now we have Toolbox Murders. I'm guessing that the storyline for this flick was somewhat (if not totally) inspired by 1978's The Toolbox Murders with some major tweaks here and there. We begin this movie with the best treat any horror fan could get: Sheri Moon Zombie.

Too bad she doesn't even make it to the 10min. mark. Whoops! ):

I enjoy every single movie with that gal in it, even if she lasts one second on screen. Anyway, Toolbox Murders narrates the story of a newlywed couple -Nell & Steven, the tool- as they adapt to their new charming apartment building, the Lusman Arms. Again I have to mention, like in the past review, the marvellous work spent on the building itself. It's damp, it's filthy, falling apart and just beautifully perfect for the story to develop. So, yeah, back to the story: we're following Nell along as she starts going crazier with all the hammering, yelling and neverending noise that clouds the building.

Unluckily, Nell is soon catalogued as emotionally unstable for calling the cops twice under apparent murder false alarms. Yay, the girl has cried wolf and now she's on her own to fuck up as our main gals always seem to do. Following the disappearance of Julia (Nell's new neighbor/bff who is spied on by some horny teenager kid), our heroine decides to unveil that evil secret that lurks within the walls of the Lusman Arms with a little hint from the wise old guy from the building, Chas.

Oh but the mystery builds when we find out that there's actually no room 504... or 404, 304, 204 and so on! Something evil from the depths of Hell or, in its defect, paranormal is always the proper explanation for whatever odd shit happens, right? I mean, the fact that the building is old as Satan himself and undergoing one of maybe a hundred remodeling jobs can't be enough. Nah, it's definitely something else.

"Building, why you no has room '04s?"

"WHY!?"

Ok, enough mood killing. So, Nell manages to get some juicy information from LA's Preservation Society about the jolly, ol' Lusman Arms building that takes her right in the nest of our Leatherface-wannabe killer. Just the fuck-up we were waiting for! I won't go farther than this, 'cause I'd be spoiling the rest of the movie for y'all, so I'll cut straight to the heartless judging. Also, I wanna nap.

What to expect?

Slow tension scenes that die out fast due their slowness, a couple of silly scares, a couple of gorey moments including chunks of dead people, a shit-ton of mummies, power tool killings, a decent story overall & some good ol' face-melting action.

Hellnation's Rating: 4/10

Mortuary (2005)

Here's the first flick for our themed reviews honoring director Tobe Hooper. I'll be honest with you guys, I'm not quite sure where to start with this one. Why, you ask? Well, this movie has basically every single horror subject crammed into it. First, we have the good, poor family that in hopes of overcoming the loss of its fatherly figure, move all the way across the country to an opportunity to start all over again. The family is formed by mum Leslie Doyle, teenager son Jonathan & his little sister Jamie. They all move into the beautiful Fowler Mortuary house which is oh-so adequatedly placed in the middle of the town's graveyard.

Seriously, who takes such a crappy deal for a new start?

Ok, so far we can check off our lists spooky house and graveyard, and also add to that dead people 'cause, well, it's a mortuary. As it is expected, the house has a creepy story behind it. The Fowler's had some tough luck trying to make a living off of cows & agriculture when they first moved into the area because for some reason, nothing would grow on those god-forsaken grounds. Luckily for them, the all around deadness of the place gave them the idea of turning into morticians. Years go by until the last of the Fowlers give birth to a horribly deformed baby boy, Bobby, who gets beat & abused by his own angry parents. The story seems to end with the kid running away from home, but several years later, the remaining Fowlers are found with their "heads bashed in" in their good ol' home. Let's check angry, deformed killer with a history of abuse now.

Making a small parethesis to the storyline, I've got to admit that the Fowler Mortuary house is quite damn awesome. Everything is so gray, decayed and old that you can almost smell the dust and feel the dampness of the place in your bones. Sadly for the Doyle's, the casket room is the warmest, coziest part of the house.

Another thing I found enjoyable was the fact that this movie had some early nineties horror film sort of feeling every now and then. We have cheesy musical score, awkward incidental characters that are just too obvious with their awkwardness, graveyard partying, cheesy 2D special effects (which I found beautiful until I saw the ending scene)... even the usual bunch of asshole, rebel kids!

Yes, that is Alfalfa from 1994's The Little Rascals movie.

Now we know who dies first. At this point, one's just expecting the common crazed-killer storyline, but that is so wrong. We get punched right in the face with another 90's-like scene involving dead kids coming back to life and projectile vomiting.

The first bit brought a little bit of joy in my heart by reminding me of Pet Sematary II. I got to admit that after this point in the movie, I had no idea where to go in order keep reviewing it. A lot of shit happens. We're able to immediately check off our list dozens of other horror film subjects minute after minute. Bodies rise, ancient evil feeds, people turn into tools of evil... I'd rather let you be surprised by the crammyness of everything happening at the same time.

Nothing says fear like an old dead man in a giant diaper.

...and I guess that coffin room wasn't that cozy after all.

What to expect?

Medium-paced storytelling about nothing turning into a whole lot of everything, cheesy two-dimensional special effects, a small peek of what happens when you don't exactly know how to embalm a dead body & a very terrible finale. Oh, and by the way, never underestimate the power of cherry Twizzlers...

Hellnation's Rating: 3/10